He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
