If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
