since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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