nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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