I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
