You just made me feel so damn special
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
