How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
