oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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