you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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