Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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