my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
