Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
