Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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