I just cut my nipple shaving
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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