dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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