...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
