i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
