It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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