we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
