seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
