Moan for me like Helen Keller
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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