Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
