I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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