who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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