I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize