Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sorry about my life...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
