my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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