he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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