did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
