How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
