There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
