Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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