You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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