oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
