When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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