So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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