i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
