I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We need to feng shui this bitch.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
