Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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