I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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