no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize