I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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