Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize