i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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