So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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