Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
