if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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