I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
