I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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