why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
