I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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