He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
