I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
