my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
