here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
