so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Im part way to drunk.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
