you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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