I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
