i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize