Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
